I was a disappointment from the moment I crowned.

  I tell people I was a disappointment from the moment I crowned. I wasn't even all the way out yet and I was already wrong. The story my redheaded mother tells everyone goes like this: She always knew she would have a red headed daughter. So when she was giving birth and the doctor said she was crowning, she asked my dad what color my hair was and he said red. When the nurse brought me to her with my full head of very dark nearly black hair mom told the nurse I was the wrong baby,  and that her baby had red hair. The nurse assured her I was the correct baby and left. So my dad comes in the room and mom tells him whats going on and he admits he lied because he was scared she would stop pushing if she knew I didn't have red hair. Most people found this story amusing. Maybe I would to if I wasn't the ugly little brunette who could never be as pretty as the mom I thought was so perfect. I don't remember ever not knowing this story. She even told me I owed her red headed grandchildren. As a child it made me feel like there was something wrong with me I could never fix. As an adult I even dyed my hair red for awhile. This was also not good enough, because in my moms words fake redheads never look natural and don't deserve to have red hair because they didn't have to grow up with it. I'm a parent now and I can't fathom telling my child something about her appearance is wrong and that she owes me better. I feel like my daughter is as close to perfect as any human can be. She is truly a beautiful child and my world. 

  Having my daughter made me realize just how off my childhood was. I grew up in horrible poverty.  There were homeless times and hungry times.Times we lived in motels or with guys she had been dating for a few weeks.I remember not always having money to buy new school clothes and the great drama when I would outgrow a pair of shoes. Sometimes that kind of poverty can't be avoided and I don't think its only bad parents who end up in that position. My mother however had a support system she refused to utilize. She wouldn't sue my dad for child support, she wouldn't ask her family for help, and  she wouldn't accept any charity or government assistance.She let her pride get in the way and in the end I had to suffer for it.  Whats worse is she never shielded me from any of our financial troubles. The first time I remember being evicted I was 8. I have to think that if I was in the position I would do everything I could to keep my child from finding out what was going on. I didn't need to know we had to leave because we couldn't pay our rent.If she had told me it was time to move I would have just said ok and never known the difference. However mom wasn't real big on protecting me from adult matters, if we couldn't pay the bills or she wasn't sure how she would make rent I always knew. Its so horrible for a child to go through everyday not knowing if there would be electricity,water, a safe place to sleep,or even food to eat.  The worst part was that I always knew it was my fault. I was reminded almost daily of how much of a burden I was to my mother. I always knew that I cost my mom way to much money and anything I needed put her out. I would hear all the time about the things she couldn't do or couldn't afford because of me. As a parent there are times I have to skip buying something I want because my daughter needs something, and there are times I cant go out because I don't have a sitter. I've even had a few moments of panic over getting the rent or electricity paid. However my daughter has no idea. I figure it out even if it means I have to ask for help and she never knows anything was ever wrong. I don't understand how someone could let their child know about such things. Its not fair for a kid to have that much worry.